Beijing Turkey Day

Hiiiilo again! My mac is finally fixed and im back on the interwebz. To kick off my next spurt of bloggings I decided to write a little on my vacay to China for Turkey Day. They don't let you post on blogger sooo I wrote it and saved it for the day my mac re-entered my life. Here it is! wahoo

No Youtube, Netflix, Facebook, Google, or Pandora. A place where politics is hush-hush for fear of
getting Tienamen Square silenced. A place where you can only drive on days that your license plate
allows and an extra child costs you 20,000 clams.

I knew China was a world away from the U.S. but I think because this time, instead of Shanghai (the
cultural city), we’re in Beijing (the commie political capital) things are much stricter. For instance, I’m
writing in Word right now because Blogspot is off limits too (Why would you even buy internet if you
can only go to websites like YayForCommunism.BeeBeeBoopImARobot.com)

We started the trip in Detroit and I was lucky I made it cuz seats were realll tight. Tom was flying the
plane and before setting off we went to the Delta briefing room so he could chart the flight. Apparently
we’d be flying right ovah the North Pole (#SantaSTOP—just kiddin. Dat bitch is prolly waay busy right now).

Anyways, we finished that pilot mumbo jumbo and headed to tha plane. I was greeted at the gate
by a sassy little Asian woman, Cindy, who, after handing me my ticket, piped up with “Now you get me coffee” At the time, I didn’t know if this was a serious request or a “I joke, I joke, get on da plane Kido!” comment sooo I just awk-laughed and  lanked down the runway.(Later,  I would come to find out Cindy was 100 percent serious and that I should now travel through Detroit with caution because she worked all the time and had a history of holdin grudges )

I hurried on the plane, looking over my shoulder constantly aware that Cindy The Grudge-Holder could jump me any second, and was greeted by flight attendants who could not possibly have been born on earth. Don’t get me wrong, they were some of the nicest women I’ve ever met (Ya want a cookie? Here’s a glass a champagne, don’t tell your father. Etc) but they had so much plastic surgery that I could never tell if they were happy, angry, confused, or all three. Needless to say, tone of voice was a big player in understanding these alien-like stewardesses.

I plopped down in my seat and BAM. Out cold. Slept for 10 hours straight and when I woke up Alien #1 was offering me chocolate cream-puffs with…wait for ittt…A CHEESE PLATE! It.dont.get.bettah.
#hatamia

Put my gloves on, threw on the ski jacket, and tightened my Navajo hoodie, gearing up for the Beijing
cold. We got on the crew bus and after weaving and bobbing through cars, bikes, and a few Asian roller bladers we arrived at the hotel. All I can say is L.E.G.I.T. They did stuff like hold doors for you and say “Hello sir, how is your day?” like I was some fancy-pantsed businessman. We got into the room (8076) and craaasshed.

We woke up bright and early and set off to the Great Wall with our tour guide Mark (Doubtful that was
his real name but he could be Mark if he wanted. I kinda wanted to make up a new identity for myself
like Carlos or Herman but I was in a group with Tom and his fellow pilots and I doubted
they’d yes-and me...errybody knows new identities are no fun without some fellow yes-anders)

Speaking of the fellow pilots, here seems a good spot to let you know what I was dealing with. Glen, a
Will Ferrell look-alike, disliked Forest Gump and Disney World and liked being pessimistic. But
somehow he made pessimism hilarious and I liked keeping him around for a good chuckle.

Dave was a Star Wars Emperor look-alike (with the wrinkle-face). Dave liked telling pearls apart by rubbing them together (If they made a scratchy noise they were legit!).

Ray, the last of the pilot amigos was Glen’s drinking buddy and liked talking about his divorce/new
online dating conquests and had a couple good jokes up his sleeve. (That’s a French car. They run well,
but they can’t fight at all) #knee-slapper #frytheFrench.

Back to the Wall.
We trekked through an hour and half of sheep herders and small Mulan-like villages (I kept singing that
“You’ll bring honor to your family too” song)  to finally reach the Mutiyanu section of the wall, equipped with a Ski Lift Up and a smooth Tobogan ride down. We took the ski lift up while TourGuide Mark stayed at the car doing god knows what. The wall was so crazy. We got up there and on one side you could see a monstrous snowcapped mountain range and on the other the Chinese villages we had passed.

Hollywood and Disney must really have a hold on me because I couldn’t stop thinking about the epic
Mulan snow firework battle and scenes from Lord of the Rings. On every peak and mountain ledge in the distance you could see another tower of the wall. I counted eight but I knew there were countless more behind every twist and turn of the mountain range.

ALSO, snagged a little chunk of the wall. currently in my coat pockeett!

 After walking some of the wall we took the toboggan ride down to meet up with Mark. It was a rush until I got caught behind Slowy-McSlowerson. She was some nervous German girl who was pumping the brakes at every turn but I wasn’t too mad cuz she was really shaken up about the whole ride.

Mark took us to a waay local eatery where I got Kung Pao chicken. Mark’s beverage of choice? Hot
water.Yuck. Tom tried to get him to talk about the Revolution but he just kept saying “NO politics please” They’ll black bag ya for even talking about it. Communism. Yuck.

We said goodbye to Mark and went to the Pearl Market (knockoff city) and got some cool shiiaat. Dr.
Dre’s, mittens, bowties etc. It got to be so exhausting though. They pull you this way and tug you that
way to sell.sell.sell. We later ate at the Brown Door and drank some local TsingTao beer and Ray went
on and on about his divorce. I didn’t mind though. I liked listening to all these old farts.

The next day we headed to Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City. It was impressive but nothing like the wall. Chairman Mao had his picture on the front of the Forbidden City. #ImaBigDeal and I found out 24 emperors lived there until the People’s Revolution! Coooolio. I got to craving a Cheeseburger so to the Golden Arches we rode. Mcdonalds, home sweet home. I gobbled one, or two and we went back to the hotel. We walked down a bunch of side roads and it was cool to see all the locals in their little shops advertising a big bottle of beer (about a 40) for 75cents. Yes PUhleeese.
4am rolled around and it was time to roollll out. We kissed Beijing goodbye and boarded the plane to
Detroit, then San Fran for turkey day.

I’m sitting here now and just watched a movie called The Beginners. The main character’s dad comes out as gay at 75 years old and I’m not gonna ruin it but it has
a lot to do with this quote that’s in it.
“What is real? Does it hurt? Sometimes. Does it happen all at once? It takes a long time. Generally by
the time you are real most of your hair has fallen off, your eyes have dropped off, and you get loose in
the joints. But these things don’t matter at all because you are REAL. You cant be ugly except to people who don’t understand”

Love.it. time to sleep. Bona Nott